I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
