i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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