Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
