he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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