No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
