I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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