I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
