If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
