The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
