I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
