I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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