Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
