Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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