so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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