He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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