You just made me feel so damn special
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
