This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
did i just pee glitter
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
