i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
