mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
