fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
