My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize