I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
