We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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