dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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