I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
