Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
my poor anus
Is Oprah even human
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
