Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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