You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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