some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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