a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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