I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
