Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
