I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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