It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
