i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
