she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
