Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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