R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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