Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
