The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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