he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
