On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
