Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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