i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
