Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
