woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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