Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize