We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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