to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
