DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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