: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
