The maid of honor just puked.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
