Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I wish you could order shots online.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
