I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
