I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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