Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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