I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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