You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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