If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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